Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Sequence of actions in an 'i-made-a-mistake-by-coming-here movie' in a theatre

Titles + hero introduction song
Sit with the back perfectly adjusted with the seat contour.Arms and legs in casual sitting posture.No eatables. Definitely no fags.

Hero +heroine first duet
Slightly inclined to one side with the hand on that side, pressed against the handrest of the chair, with the other hand in the air. Frequently looking at the red exit signs to stage a possible escape. Miniskirts or bare chests (as the case may be) may act as a hesitation causing agent to excecute
the escape.

Pre Intermission
Desperate need to get out. (Screen)-(Watch)-(Screen)-(Front row attractive entity) will be the trajectory of the eye.

Heavy Sigh from the nose+mouth area. This phase concentrates mainly butter popcorn, coke and vegetable puff procurement.May involve some cursing and profanity usage because of the queue involved.#Fags default assumption.

Post Intermission
Note :This phase may not happen in cases of absolute realisation of the progressing trashness. In such cases, the termination happens here itself. For the 'realisation-ally challenged', this stage involves in the concentrated consumption of the raw materials procured in the previous stage. Questions addressed here are related to 'the extent of molten butter on the popcorn surface', 'the coke+ice ratio' etc. Eyes NEVER travel to the screen.

Hero swearing on Villain Phase
Profused yawning which causes eyes to water. Slow Blinking to clear the eyes. Searching for the last pieces of popcorn in the paper bag. Staring at the ceiling wondering about life.

Climax fight
Looking back at the previously referred 'Front row attractive entity' to determine the nature of relationship between it and the opposite gender accomplice. Sigh of relief if the accomplice is of the same gender.Else the amount of brow frown is directly proportional to the attractiveness of the accomplice. Eyes may occasionally go to the screen if the fight happens in non-old-houses, non-bare-grounds, non-sumo-filled-with-men-hanging-out-of-window.

End credits
Dusting the remains of the meal. Adjusting the looks. Furiously trying to follow the 'Front row attractive entity'. Exit. Cellphone retrieval and "
Super padam ya. Definite aa paakalaam"(Super movie dude. Definitely can see) on the lips but "Naan mattum patta podhuma.Neeyum padu"(Is it fair only if I suffer?You too should feel this pighead) inside head.This phase mostly will involve the non acceptance of the bad decision of entering this phase progression.


1. This is applicable to most (read ALL) Kollywood/Bollywood/Tollywood/Timberwood/RedWood/
Sandalwood (and thelike movies).
2. Raw materials used = f(poshness of the theatre involved, amount of budget allocated, hunger of the self/accomplice)
3. The length of the progression undergone is indirectly proportional to the sanity of the individual undergoing the progression
4. I worked on a 'table' like format for some half an hour which anyways got screwed.

I wrote this on an extremely cranky and hopeless days of my life. The post is an attempt by me to make me atleast stop frowning. Quality of humor may not be upto usual standards.


  1. Hey, why so cranky? The level of incoherence increases with the level of crankiness. :)

  2. @Ram: Do i need a reason to be cranky? Its my default state of existance man :) The disclaimer is solely for that purpose only :)

  3. Rule 1: Never go to a theatre to watch something that you wouldn't watch in your house even.
    Rule 2: NEVER go to a theatre to watch something that you wouldn't watch in your house even.
    Rule 3: There are only two rules.

  4. @Dha: You can come up with those 3 rules only if you are the kind of a person who goes to a theatre once in every 7 years :)

  5. lol i loved this one:)
    i enjoyed reading it!!!!kudos to ya brain

  6. @swapna : Thanks i guess ?! :) Actually got mixed reviews for this one.Added the disclaimer for that purpose only :)